I haven't posted in ages, but that doesn't mean I haven't been working on the Influence project! Actually, I think and pray about it daily.
In fact, I am ecstatic to report that - get out the bells and whistles and start the drumroll - I began my first interview this week!! This is definitely worth a post.
I arrived in Alaska last Friday night after a long day of travel. The next morning I woke up and met their very special house guest. My mom introduced him to me as an old friend of theirs who had a very interesting history of travels in Mongolia.
That definitely piqued my interest and we started chatting over breakfast. Our 'chat' turned into an hour long conversation where he unfolded the most incredible story. I felt like I was sitting at the feet of someone who belonged in the annals of history as one of the key Western influencers in modern-day Mongolia.
What struck me the most is, this man has never written his story down. I could tell, this is the type of man who did not necessarily seek to influence. He did not seek recognition or attention of any sort. He was content to simply live the best he could and find joy in living that way. It is surely evidenced in his accomplishments.
Truly, this is the type of influencing examples I have been seeking. Real people who do good things for the right reasons.
So I offered to interview him. He was delighted at the thought of getting his story down. I was delighted at the thought of having finally found someone who illustrates the model of influence I hope to more fully discover over time.
Speaking of time, this week in Alaska I have been learning more about glaciers. In my youthful understanding, they were simply a relic of the ice age. But here in Alaska, they live on! I've visited Alaska four times now and have observed the influence of glaciers all around. The incredible U-shaped valleys, the streaks on the rock wall, moraines, etc.
Yet, I still feel perplexed by glaciers.
My mind simply cannot grasp the concept of a 'river of ice'. How can
ice be a river? It's a frozen solid mass!
As I've done a little more research and observation, I've learned the key to glacial movement isn't just time, it's actually the tipping of the balance. When forces like the accumulation of snow, compression of ice, and the force of gravity are greater than the loss of ice through melting, calving (when big chunks break off into icebergs), and evaporation, then the balance is upset and movement occurs. The glacier will then either advance, or retreat. (see here to learn more - it's fascinating!)
A few days ago, my mom and I went on a hike to the peak of Alyeska where, when you get to the top, you can see a view of seven glaciers. As we talked about how perplexing glaciers were, she reminded me of a phrase we often use in our venacular: "he's moving at glacial speed!"
I
can truly relate to 'glacial speed'! That definitely defines many areas
I seek to progress in in as a person trying to overcome weaknesses,
develop new habits, and ultimately progress toward my goal of eternal
life with my God and my family.
But now that I understand a little more about the forces at play within glaciers, I appreciate something new about the speed at which I seem to make tangible progress towards my goals. Interestingly, it is the times when my equilibrium is upset - often by forces outside my control - that I seem to grow the most. When I seem to not be progressing, perhaps I just need to be still for awhile and seek more 'accumulation' of knowledge, revelation, insight, and just plain experience, before I am ready to advance.
So, now, instead of being perplexed by glaciers, I feel encouraged by them. I too, can move at glacial speed, and know that it may just be the best I can do.
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Sunday, January 26, 2014
What a difference 100 days make
A couple months ago, I received an email from a dear friend of mine from college who said he was in town to speak at Google.
Cool! I said, I'd love to connect. It was my son's birthday. I asked him to meet my kids and I at the farm, where we were celebrating. It was appropriately reminiscent of the rural settings in China where we worked together as part of a student-led micro-lending training program.
As I drove to the farm I reflected on that amazing experience in China, the families and individuals we met who were courageously combating poverty by becoming entrepreneurs and learning self-reliance. I thought about the obstacles we faced, mostly from the government organizations involved. I thought about how things changed after Jia arrived, and the lessons he taught me - that when things got hard, to remember the real reason we were there - to connect with people as individuals. He brought a zest and a fervor to our work. With his help we reached hundreds more people than we might have otherwise. Though we didn't stay connected much after college, I knew he would do great things no matter what he did. I was eager to learn about his path in the years since then.
I knew it would be interesting, but wow!
In the car I shared the whole story with my husband, who responded "Yeah, I've totally heard of him!" Well, I hadn't...where had I been? A little bit holed up, I admit. I'm a busy mom!
We got home and watched the youtube videos, including the Ted Talk. I was amazed. Inspired. Awed. My old buddy Jia! Famous all over the world. How cool is that?!
The more I thought about it, the more I saw an incredibly simple, incredibly powerful example of influence: Seek to turn your weakness into a strength, and share your journey with everyone you can.
The implications are endless.
Pick any dream, any struggle, any weakness or fear. Ideally one that involves or influences others. Determine something you are going to try to do for 100 days to overcome that weakness or fear. And write about it. Document it. Make it something you can do to inspire not only yourself but others. Kind of a built-in incentive to "stick-to-it". Think of all the positive change that would generate.
So, enough philosophizing. Time for some action. For my own part, inspired by my friend Jia, I feel like it is time to take this effort on "Influence" to the next level.
I have been concocting a little plan, not quite ready yet but soon forthcoming. One of my lifelong 'bucket list' dreams is about to begin to be fulfilled!!
Friday, November 1, 2013
Creativity vs. Control
Early on in parenting I came to face a very interesting paradox. The bearing and raising of children is one of the most 'creative' things a person can ever do. Yet, why is it, that after people become parents, they find themselves giving up many of the creative outlets and interests that they had before? I must admit, that as a new parent, that was one of my biggest fears.
Deiter F. Uctdorf gave an address to women on the subject of happiness and creativity when I was a relatively new mom, and I remember how deeply it touched me. Because I chose
to let go of a career that I loved to stay home with my kids, whom I loved even more, I think I
made the semi-subconscious shift to new hobbies that were more compatible
with my new life. Things that could still provide a sense of
accomplishment and an outlet of creativity but not take me out of the home unnecessarily. Things I always had
wanted to learn and someday pass on to my children. Things I wish I had learned earlier.
So I started learning how to sew and knit. I took guitar lessons and and began re-learning piano. I learned how to cook and not fear feeding a crowd. I learned how to compost and created a garden. I continue to journal and write and have even have picked up drawing and sketching and a little poetry. I've gotten into food storage and emergency preparedness and self-reliance. I've managed to keep up running off and on (no races but I do envision my daughter and I doing that together someday...she's a little speed demon when we jog together!). And, more recently I helped a friend create a nonprofit to certify charities, part of a lifelong dream.
I feel so grateful to have had these outlets amidst the busyness of family life. Though I don't do any of them particularly well, they provide balance and enjoyment to my life, and a sense of 'finishing' something, of being 'in control' of something in my life. When days feel full of never-ending chores and discipline battles, and discipline battles over chores, knowing I have those creative outlets to turn to can make a huge difference.
Yet, lest anyone think I am more than human, I will readily admit that I don't do a lot of those things I listed above nearly as much anymore. With two or three children, it was still doable here and there, but due to the ages and spacing of my children, it is a very rare thing that I get to work on any kind of 'hobby' these days. I guess, it depends on what you call a hobby. Folding laundry doesn't count, does it?
The surprising thing is, that most of the time, I feel okay with that. I wish my 28 year-old new mommy self could have heard me saying this. In many ways I feel like my fundamental desires about my time usage and what brings me fulfillment have changed. I worry a lot less about 'me' and how I can find my own creative outlets, and not 'lose myself' anymore.
It has brought a whole new meaning to the passage in Mark, "For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel’s, the same shall save it."
Last year, I began a transformation of sorts. Due to a confluence of a few very difficult external situations out of my control, I found myself grappling with some deeply-seated depression and anger, which exposed some pretty significant character flaws in myself. There is nothing like the closeness of family relationships to teach you what you need to change! My relationships in every part of my life were suffering. I decided the best thing I could do was to give up control and allow God create more space in my heart to receive personal revelation. I devoted a certain time each day to searching the word of God, praying more earnestly and journaling more purposefully. I attended a weekly support group of people committed to making lasting character changes in their lives. And I began associating with a wonderful group of homeschooling moms who are centered and inspiring.
As my heart began this process of deep change, like the people of King Benjamin, I have felt my very desires begin to change. I now immerse myself in creating a home of order, beauty, joy and love. I don't seek escape nearly as much. Believe me, I still have days when I want to run away and just do my own thing. This week I almost did it, too, since I had a child who was testing me almost to the limit. But thankfully, and the thanks goes completely to God, I was able to center myself and find a solution that seems to be working, at least for now. God is in control. He gives light to those who seek it, but sometimes just enough to make it through the next day. Lead, kindly light, one step enough for me.
I remember when I had one child, and I was still seeking regular ways to balance myself and compensate for a foregone career, talking with a sister in my congregation who had recently had her fourth child. I remember asking her "what are your hobbies? how do you find balance?" and she looked thoughtful for awhile, and then replied "my children are my hobbies." I remember thinking "wow...that is an incredible degree of dedication" and maybe I even pitied her a little bit that she didn't have more 'balance'. Yet, now, here I am seeing her comment with totally different eyes.
Still, my old struggles seem to be much of the same. The balance between creativity and control. When teaching my kids, I focus more on the desired result (a finished chore, for example) instead of the process (e.g. learning to be patient while learning a new skill). I also tend to set my expectations of my kids too high (a reflection of my perfectionist personality) which of course causes frustration for both of us. I have a tendency to say 'no' too often. I work hard on creating structure and schedules to make life easier but find myself being so fixated on controlling the chaos that I lose the joy of creating solutions together. I have to keep reminding myself...I'm still pretty new at this parenting thing, and they are still pretty new at this kid thing. Shouldn't we help eachother more?
I love how honestly this blogger writes about the ironic clash between her own creativity and creativity with her kids, as well her tendency to say 'no' instead of relinquishing control whenever possible. This is definitely something I struggle with. I never used to consider myself "controlling" or 'type A'. In fact people would often ask me why I didn't seem to fit the typcial red-head stereotype. I'd always say jokingly "oh, I have my moments, don't worry". Prior to parenthood I also never thought of myself as a negative or critical person. And I certainly never thought of myself as demanding or rude! Not someone raised by diplomats in a faith-focused family!
Well, all it took was getting to the 'terrible twos' and 'terrific threes' to bring out the red head in me :)
And, I have to laugh (or cry...) at how like clock-work, when I am getting ready to have a baby I get into ultra-insane-finish-all-my-outstanding-projects nesting mode. Again, an all-out control grab and creativity feast rolled into one. How paradoxical. Out come all the unfinished sewing, house repair and home improvement things that have been sitting since before the last baby. And, inevitably, when parents and grandparents come to visit, guess what they get pulled into...projects!! I cannot express how grateful and amazed I am that they still come.
But that phase is thankfully mostly past again, sort-of, and now I am back into the thick of homeschool and managing the daily issues of habit training, sleep training, potty training, jobs training, academic training, character training, while trying not squashing the need for kids to just be kids, to explore, to create and discover in their own ways. It is an incredibly challenging journey, and I will be the first to admit that I have felt like giving up many times. But the joy that comes from getting past the new hurdle, or even the old hurdle that keeps rearing its head, is so immense, that I often find myself in awe of the beautiful paradoxes that my life has become:
I have given up my life to create life.
I have to give up control to God before I can be in control of myself.
I can develop self-control in my children by teaching them freedom. (from Boyd K. Packer - an excellent address about Agency and Control)
Next topic..."Take a Break instead of Breaking Down"
So I started learning how to sew and knit. I took guitar lessons and and began re-learning piano. I learned how to cook and not fear feeding a crowd. I learned how to compost and created a garden. I continue to journal and write and have even have picked up drawing and sketching and a little poetry. I've gotten into food storage and emergency preparedness and self-reliance. I've managed to keep up running off and on (no races but I do envision my daughter and I doing that together someday...she's a little speed demon when we jog together!). And, more recently I helped a friend create a nonprofit to certify charities, part of a lifelong dream.
I feel so grateful to have had these outlets amidst the busyness of family life. Though I don't do any of them particularly well, they provide balance and enjoyment to my life, and a sense of 'finishing' something, of being 'in control' of something in my life. When days feel full of never-ending chores and discipline battles, and discipline battles over chores, knowing I have those creative outlets to turn to can make a huge difference.
Yet, lest anyone think I am more than human, I will readily admit that I don't do a lot of those things I listed above nearly as much anymore. With two or three children, it was still doable here and there, but due to the ages and spacing of my children, it is a very rare thing that I get to work on any kind of 'hobby' these days. I guess, it depends on what you call a hobby. Folding laundry doesn't count, does it?
The surprising thing is, that most of the time, I feel okay with that. I wish my 28 year-old new mommy self could have heard me saying this. In many ways I feel like my fundamental desires about my time usage and what brings me fulfillment have changed. I worry a lot less about 'me' and how I can find my own creative outlets, and not 'lose myself' anymore.
It has brought a whole new meaning to the passage in Mark, "For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel’s, the same shall save it."
Last year, I began a transformation of sorts. Due to a confluence of a few very difficult external situations out of my control, I found myself grappling with some deeply-seated depression and anger, which exposed some pretty significant character flaws in myself. There is nothing like the closeness of family relationships to teach you what you need to change! My relationships in every part of my life were suffering. I decided the best thing I could do was to give up control and allow God create more space in my heart to receive personal revelation. I devoted a certain time each day to searching the word of God, praying more earnestly and journaling more purposefully. I attended a weekly support group of people committed to making lasting character changes in their lives. And I began associating with a wonderful group of homeschooling moms who are centered and inspiring.
As my heart began this process of deep change, like the people of King Benjamin, I have felt my very desires begin to change. I now immerse myself in creating a home of order, beauty, joy and love. I don't seek escape nearly as much. Believe me, I still have days when I want to run away and just do my own thing. This week I almost did it, too, since I had a child who was testing me almost to the limit. But thankfully, and the thanks goes completely to God, I was able to center myself and find a solution that seems to be working, at least for now. God is in control. He gives light to those who seek it, but sometimes just enough to make it through the next day. Lead, kindly light, one step enough for me.
I remember when I had one child, and I was still seeking regular ways to balance myself and compensate for a foregone career, talking with a sister in my congregation who had recently had her fourth child. I remember asking her "what are your hobbies? how do you find balance?" and she looked thoughtful for awhile, and then replied "my children are my hobbies." I remember thinking "wow...that is an incredible degree of dedication" and maybe I even pitied her a little bit that she didn't have more 'balance'. Yet, now, here I am seeing her comment with totally different eyes.
Still, my old struggles seem to be much of the same. The balance between creativity and control. When teaching my kids, I focus more on the desired result (a finished chore, for example) instead of the process (e.g. learning to be patient while learning a new skill). I also tend to set my expectations of my kids too high (a reflection of my perfectionist personality) which of course causes frustration for both of us. I have a tendency to say 'no' too often. I work hard on creating structure and schedules to make life easier but find myself being so fixated on controlling the chaos that I lose the joy of creating solutions together. I have to keep reminding myself...I'm still pretty new at this parenting thing, and they are still pretty new at this kid thing. Shouldn't we help eachother more?
I love how honestly this blogger writes about the ironic clash between her own creativity and creativity with her kids, as well her tendency to say 'no' instead of relinquishing control whenever possible. This is definitely something I struggle with. I never used to consider myself "controlling" or 'type A'. In fact people would often ask me why I didn't seem to fit the typcial red-head stereotype. I'd always say jokingly "oh, I have my moments, don't worry". Prior to parenthood I also never thought of myself as a negative or critical person. And I certainly never thought of myself as demanding or rude! Not someone raised by diplomats in a faith-focused family!
Well, all it took was getting to the 'terrible twos' and 'terrific threes' to bring out the red head in me :)
And, I have to laugh (or cry...) at how like clock-work, when I am getting ready to have a baby I get into ultra-insane-finish-all-my-outstanding-projects nesting mode. Again, an all-out control grab and creativity feast rolled into one. How paradoxical. Out come all the unfinished sewing, house repair and home improvement things that have been sitting since before the last baby. And, inevitably, when parents and grandparents come to visit, guess what they get pulled into...projects!! I cannot express how grateful and amazed I am that they still come.
But that phase is thankfully mostly past again, sort-of, and now I am back into the thick of homeschool and managing the daily issues of habit training, sleep training, potty training, jobs training, academic training, character training, while trying not squashing the need for kids to just be kids, to explore, to create and discover in their own ways. It is an incredibly challenging journey, and I will be the first to admit that I have felt like giving up many times. But the joy that comes from getting past the new hurdle, or even the old hurdle that keeps rearing its head, is so immense, that I often find myself in awe of the beautiful paradoxes that my life has become:
I have given up my life to create life.
I have to give up control to God before I can be in control of myself.
I can develop self-control in my children by teaching them freedom. (from Boyd K. Packer - an excellent address about Agency and Control)
 |
| Here are the wonderful people I get to create a life with! |
Next topic..."Take a Break instead of Breaking Down"
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Heart, Might, Mind and Strength
Recently we were in the kitchen making a meal and my son said
something that stopped me in my tracks - I can't remember now what we
were talking about, but I mentioned doing something with my "whole
heart" and he responded "heart, might, mind and strength!" I was blown
away first of all that he even knew that phrase but then I couldn't get
it out of my mind.
It comes from a scripture that I became very familiar with as a missionary that goes: "Therefore, O ye that embark in the service of God, see that ye serve him with all your heart, might, mind and strength, that ye may stand blameless before God at the last day." (D&C 4:2)
This year we've spent a lot of time focusing on developing the 'minds' of our children (and myself) as we started homeschooling. We've been trying to spend more time on developing our 'hearts' as we improve our relationships with eachother, handle emotions in a healthier way, develop more compassion for people. The kids find opportunities right and left for developing strength as they learn to use their little bodies (I'm hoping to get my own back in shape though!). It's the might part that I am pondering lately. What does might mean?
In the new testament a lawyer tempts Jesus by asking him what he needed to do to attain eternal life. I find it interesting that Jesus responded "thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy aheart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself." Luke 10:27
Here instead of "might" he uses "soul". Isn't that interesting? The topical guide entry under "might" also lists "power", "authority". Another word that seems fitting to me is the word influence. I think what the scripture is getting at is that we need to use all of our power and influence in serving God. Our experience, knowledge, abilities, talents, position, social influence, access to opportunities - our entire being and sphere of influence. That's pretty big!
So that new understanding has motivated me to do more in my own life to serve God with more might - more of who I am both privately and publicly, with less fear about how it may impact my 'reputation' or perceptions of others. For me, this includes getting more involved in civic life and helping my country and community. I am looking into ways to become more active in local issues because I think it is where Americans can have the greatest impact for good in our nation's issues.
It comes from a scripture that I became very familiar with as a missionary that goes: "Therefore, O ye that embark in the service of God, see that ye serve him with all your heart, might, mind and strength, that ye may stand blameless before God at the last day." (D&C 4:2)
This year we've spent a lot of time focusing on developing the 'minds' of our children (and myself) as we started homeschooling. We've been trying to spend more time on developing our 'hearts' as we improve our relationships with eachother, handle emotions in a healthier way, develop more compassion for people. The kids find opportunities right and left for developing strength as they learn to use their little bodies (I'm hoping to get my own back in shape though!). It's the might part that I am pondering lately. What does might mean?
In the new testament a lawyer tempts Jesus by asking him what he needed to do to attain eternal life. I find it interesting that Jesus responded "thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy aheart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself." Luke 10:27
Here instead of "might" he uses "soul". Isn't that interesting? The topical guide entry under "might" also lists "power", "authority". Another word that seems fitting to me is the word influence. I think what the scripture is getting at is that we need to use all of our power and influence in serving God. Our experience, knowledge, abilities, talents, position, social influence, access to opportunities - our entire being and sphere of influence. That's pretty big!
So that new understanding has motivated me to do more in my own life to serve God with more might - more of who I am both privately and publicly, with less fear about how it may impact my 'reputation' or perceptions of others. For me, this includes getting more involved in civic life and helping my country and community. I am looking into ways to become more active in local issues because I think it is where Americans can have the greatest impact for good in our nation's issues.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Influencing in a state of high emotion
Do you ever have periods in your life when you feel like you are being given specific experiences that test and stretch you in uncomfortable ways? I am having one of those times right now. I seem to keep running into situations where I put my foot in my mouth, or I let my emotions get ahead of my brain when I talk. I feel continuously humbled by my inept communication skills. Especially during moments when emotions are a little tense. I have never been good at speaking effectively on my feet, but now I feel like my feet are always in my mouth!
So, I am working on getting my feet back on the ground where they belong!
It's not that I mean to offend people. I simply can't find that happy medium between being tactfully diplomatic (I am the daughter of a diplomat, trained to always 'be nice') and being direct and honest (nothing upsets me more than dishonesty and hypocrisy). I want to learn how to speak my mind clearly and compassionately on issues that really matter to me. (on a related note: see this interesting article on the "Dark side of Emotional Intelligence")
I am looking for some role models.
There are plenty of people (myself included) who do a perfectly good job of carrying on normal, pleasant conversations with people. But put the average person in a situation where emotions are strong, and things can change quickly. People lose their cool, get flustered, talk too much or too little, go into 'fight or flight' mode, say things they regret later, or just shut down. The result is often a strained relationship because of loss of trust or respect.
Rare and worth studying is the person who can thoughtfully consider their own feelings and those of their counterpart, speaking with respectfulness and honesty. Someone who understands that managing the relationship involved is just as (if not more) important as managing the issue at hand.
Two people come immediately to mind who have had that skill of speaking well on their feet in emotional situations. Lola Timmins, and Helena Hannonen.
Lola was the girls' youth leader in our congregation when my family lived in Beijing. My sister and I were the only girls in the program, but the effort and love she put into our lessons inside and outside the classroom taught me that we were worth her time and effort. We knew she loved us. She was always asking us questions, curious about our lives and what was important to us. She was not afraid to warn us when she felt we were in error. She boldly testified from her own experiences about the truth of what she was teaching us. She was the type of person who was known for speaking her mind boldly and respectfully. She was confident but not in an arrogant way. Perhaps it was her no-nonsense, simple approach to life and chipper personality that attracted people to her initially. But deeper than that, I believe it was her genuine interest in people. She found people and cultures fascinating and was always open to learning something new. She saw through pretenses and called people on it when she saw it. She had a great sense of humor and a radiant smile. Having traveled the world and gone through many hardships, she could relate to people's struggles in a real way that allowed them to trust her.
Helena was my mentor and friend when I first got married and moved into a new city and began attending a new congregation with my husband. Helena had an endearing Finnish accent, a ready smile, quick wit and sweet laugh. You really felt she meant every word she said. I soon found out we had the same professional background and had attended the same graduate program, only she had completed it a few decades before with many years of experience. I was so excited to have a mentor in both professional and personal areas as well. Soon after we met, she came to me with a proposal. She wanted to begin a new organization for women under the umbrella of our alumni organization, the BYU Management Society. And she wanted me to be the president. I was stunned, flattered, and excited. She shared her vision for Silicon Valley Women in such an enthusiastic way, with so much confidence in me and in her idea, that I couldn't say no. When our first event almost fell through, she coached me through the setbacks and helped me resiliently pull it off. When others had a different vision and we struggled to find consensus, she 'got on the boat' with them to see things from their perspective and genuinely listened to their concerns and feedback. She had mastered the power of delegation and accepted people's shortcomings as natural and an opportunity for receiving encouragement. I also remember that she had intense drive but not in a hurried or rushed way.
These two wonderful women are just the first that come to mind for me. I would like to think of some more examples to add. Here are some commonalities I noticed. Both had:
- a genuine curiosity and interest in others - the ability 'to be influenced' by their needs and feeling
- a healthy sense of humor and perspective
- a broad world view - exposure to many cultures and backgrounds
- happy, upbeat, outgoing personality (extroverts do have an easier time with this...)
- past experience with deep personal challenges
- confidence but not arrogance about own ideas
Of all of the above characteristics, I think the first one mentioned is the most important. Genuine curiosity and interest in others (as opposed to focus on ones' self-interests) is something that cannot be faked. When someone feels that the person talking to them is truly interested in them, they will be much more likely to listen, even if they don't agree with what is being said. And that truly is positive influence.
I believe that genuine positive interest is what is behind 'likeableness'. When you genuinely like someone, and feel they truly like you in return, you are more motivated to work through challenging situations and relationships, even when decisions might not be a consensus. That underlying interest is the strong flame that keeps the candle lit when adverse circumstances would snuff it out.
Coming next...the Influencing skills of the Founding Fathers
So, I am working on getting my feet back on the ground where they belong!
I am looking for some role models.
There are plenty of people (myself included) who do a perfectly good job of carrying on normal, pleasant conversations with people. But put the average person in a situation where emotions are strong, and things can change quickly. People lose their cool, get flustered, talk too much or too little, go into 'fight or flight' mode, say things they regret later, or just shut down. The result is often a strained relationship because of loss of trust or respect.
Rare and worth studying is the person who can thoughtfully consider their own feelings and those of their counterpart, speaking with respectfulness and honesty. Someone who understands that managing the relationship involved is just as (if not more) important as managing the issue at hand.
Two people come immediately to mind who have had that skill of speaking well on their feet in emotional situations. Lola Timmins, and Helena Hannonen.
Lola was the girls' youth leader in our congregation when my family lived in Beijing. My sister and I were the only girls in the program, but the effort and love she put into our lessons inside and outside the classroom taught me that we were worth her time and effort. We knew she loved us. She was always asking us questions, curious about our lives and what was important to us. She was not afraid to warn us when she felt we were in error. She boldly testified from her own experiences about the truth of what she was teaching us. She was the type of person who was known for speaking her mind boldly and respectfully. She was confident but not in an arrogant way. Perhaps it was her no-nonsense, simple approach to life and chipper personality that attracted people to her initially. But deeper than that, I believe it was her genuine interest in people. She found people and cultures fascinating and was always open to learning something new. She saw through pretenses and called people on it when she saw it. She had a great sense of humor and a radiant smile. Having traveled the world and gone through many hardships, she could relate to people's struggles in a real way that allowed them to trust her.
Helena was my mentor and friend when I first got married and moved into a new city and began attending a new congregation with my husband. Helena had an endearing Finnish accent, a ready smile, quick wit and sweet laugh. You really felt she meant every word she said. I soon found out we had the same professional background and had attended the same graduate program, only she had completed it a few decades before with many years of experience. I was so excited to have a mentor in both professional and personal areas as well. Soon after we met, she came to me with a proposal. She wanted to begin a new organization for women under the umbrella of our alumni organization, the BYU Management Society. And she wanted me to be the president. I was stunned, flattered, and excited. She shared her vision for Silicon Valley Women in such an enthusiastic way, with so much confidence in me and in her idea, that I couldn't say no. When our first event almost fell through, she coached me through the setbacks and helped me resiliently pull it off. When others had a different vision and we struggled to find consensus, she 'got on the boat' with them to see things from their perspective and genuinely listened to their concerns and feedback. She had mastered the power of delegation and accepted people's shortcomings as natural and an opportunity for receiving encouragement. I also remember that she had intense drive but not in a hurried or rushed way.
These two wonderful women are just the first that come to mind for me. I would like to think of some more examples to add. Here are some commonalities I noticed. Both had:
- a genuine curiosity and interest in others - the ability 'to be influenced' by their needs and feeling
- a healthy sense of humor and perspective
- a broad world view - exposure to many cultures and backgrounds
- happy, upbeat, outgoing personality (extroverts do have an easier time with this...)
- past experience with deep personal challenges
- confidence but not arrogance about own ideas
Of all of the above characteristics, I think the first one mentioned is the most important. Genuine curiosity and interest in others (as opposed to focus on ones' self-interests) is something that cannot be faked. When someone feels that the person talking to them is truly interested in them, they will be much more likely to listen, even if they don't agree with what is being said. And that truly is positive influence.
I believe that genuine positive interest is what is behind 'likeableness'. When you genuinely like someone, and feel they truly like you in return, you are more motivated to work through challenging situations and relationships, even when decisions might not be a consensus. That underlying interest is the strong flame that keeps the candle lit when adverse circumstances would snuff it out.
Coming next...the Influencing skills of the Founding Fathers
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Influence of Invictus
I wanted to write about two people of influence I've been inspired
by recently: William Ernest Henley and Nelson Mandela.
My husband and I recently watched "Invictus" - the movie about the South African
Rugby team that played in the World Cup after Nelson Mandela became
president . I loved the movie but couldn't figure out the title. Then I
did a quick search and found that it is the name of the poem published
in 1875 by William Ernest Henley that Mandela memorized and quoted to
fellow inmates, inspiring him to remain true to his ideals during his 27
years of imprisonment. Invictus means "unconquerable". Here is the
poem:
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
The poem itself is powerful and familiar to many. It speaks to the strength of the individual soul, the "power of one" to make a difference if only in his own soul. Looking at the impact Henly's words had on one man, Nelson Mandela, who allowed himself to be influenced by them, it is not hard to see how Henly was an Influencer for Good through using his gifts of pen and poetry.
It was fascinating to read about Henly's life experiences that led him to write Invictus. The influence of a schoolmaster who was "was singularly kind to me at a moment when I needed kindness even more than I needed encouragement". His later battle with tuberculosis of the bone and amputation led him to find the pioneering surgeon Joseph Lister whose new methods encouraged him to avoid a second leg amputation and led to a recovery to mostly full health. He was also greatly impacted by visits from Robert Louis Stevenson and had connections with JM Barrie as well. I was interested to learn that earlier drafts of his poem Invictus were titled "A Thanksgiving".
Check out the movie Invictus if you're interested in an uplifting look at a man of true influence. Here's a review I found helpful.
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
The poem itself is powerful and familiar to many. It speaks to the strength of the individual soul, the "power of one" to make a difference if only in his own soul. Looking at the impact Henly's words had on one man, Nelson Mandela, who allowed himself to be influenced by them, it is not hard to see how Henly was an Influencer for Good through using his gifts of pen and poetry.
It was fascinating to read about Henly's life experiences that led him to write Invictus. The influence of a schoolmaster who was "was singularly kind to me at a moment when I needed kindness even more than I needed encouragement". His later battle with tuberculosis of the bone and amputation led him to find the pioneering surgeon Joseph Lister whose new methods encouraged him to avoid a second leg amputation and led to a recovery to mostly full health. He was also greatly impacted by visits from Robert Louis Stevenson and had connections with JM Barrie as well. I was interested to learn that earlier drafts of his poem Invictus were titled "A Thanksgiving".
Check out the movie Invictus if you're interested in an uplifting look at a man of true influence. Here's a review I found helpful.
Some background
I first became introduced to the science of
Influence in grad school, and then
as I started my career I became very attuned to how different people in
various levels of authority used their influence. As an HR professional
and later an Organizational Development (OD) consultant, my role was mostly 'advisory'- I wasn't
a true "authority figure". Although people really listened to and
respected what I had to say, I had to learn how to get buy-in from
various stakeholders to accomplish change. I found it an exciting and
rewarding challenge. But definitely a challenge.
At that point in my life, I thought I had figured out some pretty good influencing techniques and felt pretty confident and successful in my ability to work with others. But then, enter the new career of parenthood! Yikes. Lets just say I contemplate the idea of influence hourly and how little I still know about it. Though I am an "authority figure" in the truest sense, yet I so often feel that my influencing skills are quite lacking. You can only get so far by telling a toddler he "has to" put his shoes on. And after asking 5 times while you're late again, any amount of frustration detected by said toddler only adds fuel to the fire of willfulness. While the toddler's maturity level and reasoning power certainly has something to do with it, my own skills and ability to influence can make a huge difference.
To borrow a phrase from Oliver DeMille, I want to learn the skills to "inspire, not require". I feel more motivated than ever to discern what those skills are at both a spiritual and practical level. I want to be a better influence for good in all my circles: as a child of God, a wife, a parent, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a teacher, a neighbor, community member, church member, board member, business owner etc.
As a missionary for the LDS Church I became intimately acquainted with the kind of influence that "inspires" rather than "requires". The "influence" of the Holy Ghost is only way people become truly converted to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. He never uses force, but persuasion. In some cases it warns, in other cases it commands. It is often soft-spoken but can sometimes be loud and clear when necessary. Always accompanied with love, and at times "righteous anger", it does not give truth all at once, but line by line as people are ready to receive it.
While my research will certainly include a thorough search of the scriptures for examples of God's influence in our lives, I want to be clear that I feel there is a distinction between the type of influence God, Christ and the Holy Ghost have on us, and the type of influence humans have on each other. While we of course aspire to emulate them, we are not deity and the relationships we have with each other in families and other human relationships are distinctly different in nature. We are not omniscient or omnipotent like God. Our knowledge is very limited, therefore our judgments of others and our own personal motives will rarely be pure and our approach needs to be more humble. God has the confidence of knowing he is always right. We cannot have that confidence yet. We need to be constantly willing to admit the possibility of error and quick to recognize our own shortcomings. I believe this kind of humility is a core influencing skill as well.
A whole sub-category of this topic is the issue of influence vs. manipulation. This goes back to that agency issue and is one of those areas I seek more light on. God does not manipulate, though he could since He has all power over us. But he gives top priority to our agency, knowing he cannot achieve his purposes to teach us unless we "taste the bitter, that [we] may know to prize the good."
In talking with some friends about who has had the greatest influence on them, another common thread is one of love and kindness. It reminds me of a powerful quote I love:“When persons manifest the least kindness and love to me, O what power it has over my mind, while the opposite course has a tendency to harrow up all the harsh feelings and depress the human mind.” - Joseph Smith
I would love to hear any comments or ideas as I move forward in understanding influence. Specifically, I am looking for help in :
- ideas for individuals that I can create a case study for - biographies of well-known influencers who might illustrate the idea of "influence by being influenced"
- individuals who would be willing to be interviewed (not necessarily well-known) but in both areas of authority and non-authority but high influence.
At that point in my life, I thought I had figured out some pretty good influencing techniques and felt pretty confident and successful in my ability to work with others. But then, enter the new career of parenthood! Yikes. Lets just say I contemplate the idea of influence hourly and how little I still know about it. Though I am an "authority figure" in the truest sense, yet I so often feel that my influencing skills are quite lacking. You can only get so far by telling a toddler he "has to" put his shoes on. And after asking 5 times while you're late again, any amount of frustration detected by said toddler only adds fuel to the fire of willfulness. While the toddler's maturity level and reasoning power certainly has something to do with it, my own skills and ability to influence can make a huge difference.
To borrow a phrase from Oliver DeMille, I want to learn the skills to "inspire, not require". I feel more motivated than ever to discern what those skills are at both a spiritual and practical level. I want to be a better influence for good in all my circles: as a child of God, a wife, a parent, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a teacher, a neighbor, community member, church member, board member, business owner etc.
As a missionary for the LDS Church I became intimately acquainted with the kind of influence that "inspires" rather than "requires". The "influence" of the Holy Ghost is only way people become truly converted to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. He never uses force, but persuasion. In some cases it warns, in other cases it commands. It is often soft-spoken but can sometimes be loud and clear when necessary. Always accompanied with love, and at times "righteous anger", it does not give truth all at once, but line by line as people are ready to receive it.
While my research will certainly include a thorough search of the scriptures for examples of God's influence in our lives, I want to be clear that I feel there is a distinction between the type of influence God, Christ and the Holy Ghost have on us, and the type of influence humans have on each other. While we of course aspire to emulate them, we are not deity and the relationships we have with each other in families and other human relationships are distinctly different in nature. We are not omniscient or omnipotent like God. Our knowledge is very limited, therefore our judgments of others and our own personal motives will rarely be pure and our approach needs to be more humble. God has the confidence of knowing he is always right. We cannot have that confidence yet. We need to be constantly willing to admit the possibility of error and quick to recognize our own shortcomings. I believe this kind of humility is a core influencing skill as well.
A whole sub-category of this topic is the issue of influence vs. manipulation. This goes back to that agency issue and is one of those areas I seek more light on. God does not manipulate, though he could since He has all power over us. But he gives top priority to our agency, knowing he cannot achieve his purposes to teach us unless we "taste the bitter, that [we] may know to prize the good."
In talking with some friends about who has had the greatest influence on them, another common thread is one of love and kindness. It reminds me of a powerful quote I love:“When persons manifest the least kindness and love to me, O what power it has over my mind, while the opposite course has a tendency to harrow up all the harsh feelings and depress the human mind.” - Joseph Smith
I would love to hear any comments or ideas as I move forward in understanding influence. Specifically, I am looking for help in :
- ideas for individuals that I can create a case study for - biographies of well-known influencers who might illustrate the idea of "influence by being influenced"
- individuals who would be willing to be interviewed (not necessarily well-known) but in both areas of authority and non-authority but high influence.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)