Creativity vs. Control

Early on in parenting I came to face a very interesting paradox. The bearing and raising of children is one of the most 'creative' things a person can ever do. Yet, why is it, that after people become parents, they find themselves giving up many of the creative outlets and interests that they had before? I must admit, that as a new parent, that was one of my biggest fears.

Deiter F. Uctdorf gave an address to women on the subject of happiness and creativity when I was a relatively new mom, and I remember how deeply it touched me. Because I chose to let go of a career that I loved to stay home with my kids, whom I loved even more, I think I made the semi-subconscious shift to new hobbies that were more compatible with my new life. Things that could still provide a sense of accomplishment and an outlet of creativity but not take me out of the home unnecessarily. Things I always had wanted to learn and someday pass on to my children. Things I wish I had learned earlier.

So I started learning how to sew and knit. I took guitar lessons and and began re-learning piano. I learned how to cook and not fear feeding a crowd. I learned how to compost and created a garden. I continue to journal and write and have even have picked up drawing and sketching and a little poetry. I've gotten into food storage and emergency preparedness and self-reliance. I've managed to keep up running off and on (no races but I do envision my daughter and I doing that together someday...she's a little speed demon when we jog together!). And, more recently I helped a friend create a nonprofit to certify charities, part of a lifelong dream.

I feel so grateful to have had these outlets amidst the busyness of family life. Though I don't do any of them particularly well, they provide balance and enjoyment to my life, and a sense of 'finishing' something, of being 'in control' of something in my life. When days feel full of never-ending chores and discipline battles, and discipline battles over chores, knowing I have those creative outlets to turn to can make a huge difference.

Yet, lest anyone think I am more than human,  I will readily admit that I don't do a lot of those things I listed above nearly as much anymore. With two or three children, it was still doable here and there, but due to the ages and spacing of my children, it is a very rare thing that I get to work on any kind of 'hobby' these days. I guess, it depends on what you call a hobby. Folding laundry doesn't count, does it?

The surprising thing is, that most of the time, I feel okay with that. I wish my 28 year-old new mommy self could have heard me saying this. In many ways I feel like my fundamental desires about my time usage and what brings me fulfillment have changed. I worry a lot less about 'me' and how I can find my own creative outlets, and not 'lose myself' anymore.

It has brought a whole new meaning to the passage in Mark, "For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel’s, the same shall save it."

Last year, I began a transformation of sorts. Due to a confluence of a few very difficult external situations out of my control, I found myself grappling with some deeply-seated depression and anger, which exposed some pretty significant character flaws in myself. There is nothing like the closeness of family relationships to teach you what you need to change! My relationships in every part of my life were suffering. I decided the best thing I could do was to give up control and allow God create more space in my heart to receive personal revelation. I devoted a certain time each day to searching the word of God, praying more earnestly and journaling more purposefully. I attended a weekly support group of people committed to making lasting character changes in their lives. And I began associating with a wonderful group of homeschooling moms who are centered and inspiring. 

As my heart began this process of deep change, like the people of King Benjamin, I have felt my very desires begin to change. I now immerse myself in creating a home of order, beauty, joy and love. I don't seek escape nearly as much. Believe me, I still have days when I want to run away and just do my own thing. This week I almost did it, too, since I had a child who was testing me almost to the limit. But thankfully, and the thanks goes completely to God, I was able to center myself and find a solution that seems to be working, at least for now. God is in control. He gives light to those who seek it, but sometimes just enough to make it through the next day. Lead, kindly light, one step enough for me.

I remember when I had one child, and I was still seeking regular ways to balance myself and compensate for a foregone career, talking with a sister in my congregation who had recently had her fourth child. I remember asking her "what are your hobbies? how do you find balance?" and she looked thoughtful for awhile, and then replied "my children are my hobbies." I remember thinking "wow...that is an incredible degree of dedication" and maybe I even pitied her a little bit that she didn't have more 'balance'. Yet, now, here I am seeing her comment with totally different eyes.

 

Still, my old struggles seem to be much of the same. The balance between creativity and control. When teaching my kids, I focus more on the desired result (a finished chore, for example) instead of the process (e.g. learning to be patient while learning a new skill). I also tend to set my expectations of my kids too high (a reflection of my perfectionist personality) which of course causes frustration for both of us.   I have a tendency to say 'no' too often.  I work hard on creating structure and schedules to make life easier but find myself being so fixated on controlling the chaos that I lose the joy of creating solutions together. I have to keep reminding myself...I'm still pretty new at this parenting thing, and they are still pretty new at this kid thing. Shouldn't we help eachother more?


I love how honestly this blogger writes about the ironic clash between her own creativity and creativity with her kids, as well her tendency to say 'no' instead of relinquishing control whenever possible. This is definitely something I struggle with. I never used to consider myself "controlling" or 'type A'. In fact people would often ask me why I didn't seem to fit the typcial red-head stereotype. I'd always say jokingly "oh, I have my moments, don't worry". Prior to parenthood I also never thought of myself as a negative or critical person. And I certainly never thought of myself as demanding or rude! Not someone raised by diplomats in a faith-focused family!

Well, all it took was getting to the 'terrible twos' and 'terrific threes' to bring out the red head in me :)

And, I have to laugh (or cry...) at how like clock-work, when I am getting ready to have a baby I get into ultra-insane-finish-all-my-outstanding-projects nesting mode. Again, an all-out control grab and creativity feast rolled into one. How paradoxical. Out come all the unfinished sewing, house repair and home improvement things that have been sitting since before the last baby. And, inevitably, when parents and grandparents come to visit, guess what they get pulled into...projects!! I cannot express how grateful and amazed I am that they still come.

But that phase is thankfully mostly past again, sort-of, and now I am back into the thick of homeschool and managing the daily issues of habit training, sleep training, potty training, jobs training, academic training, character training, while trying not squashing the need for kids to just be kids, to explore, to create and discover in their own ways. It is an incredibly challenging journey, and I will be the first to admit that I have felt like giving up many times. But the joy that comes from getting past the new hurdle, or even the old hurdle that keeps rearing its head, is so immense, that I often find myself in awe of the beautiful paradoxes that my life has become:

 I have given up my life to create life.

I have to give up control to God before I can be in control of myself.

I can develop self-control in my children by teaching them freedom. (from Boyd K. Packer - an excellent address about Agency and Control)

Here are the wonderful people I get to create a life with!

Next topic..."Take a Break instead of Breaking Down"