Recently we were in the kitchen making a meal and my son said
something that stopped me in my tracks - I can't remember now what we
were talking about, but I mentioned doing something with my "whole
heart" and he responded "heart, might, mind and strength!" I was blown
away first of all that he even knew that phrase but then I couldn't get
it out of my mind.
It comes from a scripture that I
became very familiar with as a missionary that goes: "Therefore, O ye
that embark in the service of God, see that ye serve him with all your
heart, might, mind and strength, that ye may stand blameless before God
at the last day." (D&C 4:2)
This
year we've spent a lot of time focusing on developing the 'minds' of
our children (and myself) as we started homeschooling. We've been trying to spend more
time on developing our 'hearts' as we improve our relationships with
eachother, handle emotions in a healthier way, develop more compassion
for people. The kids find opportunities right and left for developing
strength as they learn to use their little bodies (I'm hoping to get my
own back in shape though!). It's the might part that I am pondering lately. What does might mean?
In
the new testament a lawyer tempts Jesus by asking him what he needed to
do to attain eternal life. I find it interesting that Jesus responded
"thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy aheart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself." Luke 10:27
Here
instead of "might" he uses "soul". Isn't that interesting? The topical
guide entry under "might" also lists "power", "authority". Another word
that seems fitting to me is the word influence. I think what the
scripture is getting at is that we need to use all of our power and
influence in serving God. Our experience, knowledge, abilities, talents,
position, social influence, access to opportunities - our entire being
and sphere of influence. That's pretty big!
So that
new understanding has motivated me to do more in my own life to serve
God with more might - more of who I am both privately and publicly, with less fear about how it may impact my 'reputation' or perceptions of others. For me, this includes getting more involved in civic life and helping my country and community. I am looking into ways to become more active in local issues because I think it is where Americans can have the greatest impact for good in our nation's issues.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
Influencing in a state of high emotion
Do you ever have periods in your life when you feel like you are being given specific experiences that test and stretch you in uncomfortable ways? I am having one of those times right now. I seem to keep running into situations where I put my foot in my mouth, or I let my emotions get ahead of my brain when I talk. I feel continuously humbled by my inept communication skills. Especially during moments when emotions are a little tense. I have never been good at speaking effectively on my feet, but now I feel like my feet are always in my mouth!
So, I am working on getting my feet back on the ground where they belong!
It's not that I mean to offend people. I simply can't find that happy medium between being tactfully diplomatic (I am the daughter of a diplomat, trained to always 'be nice') and being direct and honest (nothing upsets me more than dishonesty and hypocrisy). I want to learn how to speak my mind clearly and compassionately on issues that really matter to me. (on a related note: see this interesting article on the "Dark side of Emotional Intelligence")
I am looking for some role models.
There are plenty of people (myself included) who do a perfectly good job of carrying on normal, pleasant conversations with people. But put the average person in a situation where emotions are strong, and things can change quickly. People lose their cool, get flustered, talk too much or too little, go into 'fight or flight' mode, say things they regret later, or just shut down. The result is often a strained relationship because of loss of trust or respect.
Rare and worth studying is the person who can thoughtfully consider their own feelings and those of their counterpart, speaking with respectfulness and honesty. Someone who understands that managing the relationship involved is just as (if not more) important as managing the issue at hand.
Two people come immediately to mind who have had that skill of speaking well on their feet in emotional situations. Lola Timmins, and Helena Hannonen.
Lola was the girls' youth leader in our congregation when my family lived in Beijing. My sister and I were the only girls in the program, but the effort and love she put into our lessons inside and outside the classroom taught me that we were worth her time and effort. We knew she loved us. She was always asking us questions, curious about our lives and what was important to us. She was not afraid to warn us when she felt we were in error. She boldly testified from her own experiences about the truth of what she was teaching us. She was the type of person who was known for speaking her mind boldly and respectfully. She was confident but not in an arrogant way. Perhaps it was her no-nonsense, simple approach to life and chipper personality that attracted people to her initially. But deeper than that, I believe it was her genuine interest in people. She found people and cultures fascinating and was always open to learning something new. She saw through pretenses and called people on it when she saw it. She had a great sense of humor and a radiant smile. Having traveled the world and gone through many hardships, she could relate to people's struggles in a real way that allowed them to trust her.
Helena was my mentor and friend when I first got married and moved into a new city and began attending a new congregation with my husband. Helena had an endearing Finnish accent, a ready smile, quick wit and sweet laugh. You really felt she meant every word she said. I soon found out we had the same professional background and had attended the same graduate program, only she had completed it a few decades before with many years of experience. I was so excited to have a mentor in both professional and personal areas as well. Soon after we met, she came to me with a proposal. She wanted to begin a new organization for women under the umbrella of our alumni organization, the BYU Management Society. And she wanted me to be the president. I was stunned, flattered, and excited. She shared her vision for Silicon Valley Women in such an enthusiastic way, with so much confidence in me and in her idea, that I couldn't say no. When our first event almost fell through, she coached me through the setbacks and helped me resiliently pull it off. When others had a different vision and we struggled to find consensus, she 'got on the boat' with them to see things from their perspective and genuinely listened to their concerns and feedback. She had mastered the power of delegation and accepted people's shortcomings as natural and an opportunity for receiving encouragement. I also remember that she had intense drive but not in a hurried or rushed way.
These two wonderful women are just the first that come to mind for me. I would like to think of some more examples to add. Here are some commonalities I noticed. Both had:
- a genuine curiosity and interest in others - the ability 'to be influenced' by their needs and feeling
- a healthy sense of humor and perspective
- a broad world view - exposure to many cultures and backgrounds
- happy, upbeat, outgoing personality (extroverts do have an easier time with this...)
- past experience with deep personal challenges
- confidence but not arrogance about own ideas
Of all of the above characteristics, I think the first one mentioned is the most important. Genuine curiosity and interest in others (as opposed to focus on ones' self-interests) is something that cannot be faked. When someone feels that the person talking to them is truly interested in them, they will be much more likely to listen, even if they don't agree with what is being said. And that truly is positive influence.
I believe that genuine positive interest is what is behind 'likeableness'. When you genuinely like someone, and feel they truly like you in return, you are more motivated to work through challenging situations and relationships, even when decisions might not be a consensus. That underlying interest is the strong flame that keeps the candle lit when adverse circumstances would snuff it out.
Coming next...the Influencing skills of the Founding Fathers
So, I am working on getting my feet back on the ground where they belong!
I am looking for some role models.
There are plenty of people (myself included) who do a perfectly good job of carrying on normal, pleasant conversations with people. But put the average person in a situation where emotions are strong, and things can change quickly. People lose their cool, get flustered, talk too much or too little, go into 'fight or flight' mode, say things they regret later, or just shut down. The result is often a strained relationship because of loss of trust or respect.
Rare and worth studying is the person who can thoughtfully consider their own feelings and those of their counterpart, speaking with respectfulness and honesty. Someone who understands that managing the relationship involved is just as (if not more) important as managing the issue at hand.
Two people come immediately to mind who have had that skill of speaking well on their feet in emotional situations. Lola Timmins, and Helena Hannonen.
Lola was the girls' youth leader in our congregation when my family lived in Beijing. My sister and I were the only girls in the program, but the effort and love she put into our lessons inside and outside the classroom taught me that we were worth her time and effort. We knew she loved us. She was always asking us questions, curious about our lives and what was important to us. She was not afraid to warn us when she felt we were in error. She boldly testified from her own experiences about the truth of what she was teaching us. She was the type of person who was known for speaking her mind boldly and respectfully. She was confident but not in an arrogant way. Perhaps it was her no-nonsense, simple approach to life and chipper personality that attracted people to her initially. But deeper than that, I believe it was her genuine interest in people. She found people and cultures fascinating and was always open to learning something new. She saw through pretenses and called people on it when she saw it. She had a great sense of humor and a radiant smile. Having traveled the world and gone through many hardships, she could relate to people's struggles in a real way that allowed them to trust her.
Helena was my mentor and friend when I first got married and moved into a new city and began attending a new congregation with my husband. Helena had an endearing Finnish accent, a ready smile, quick wit and sweet laugh. You really felt she meant every word she said. I soon found out we had the same professional background and had attended the same graduate program, only she had completed it a few decades before with many years of experience. I was so excited to have a mentor in both professional and personal areas as well. Soon after we met, she came to me with a proposal. She wanted to begin a new organization for women under the umbrella of our alumni organization, the BYU Management Society. And she wanted me to be the president. I was stunned, flattered, and excited. She shared her vision for Silicon Valley Women in such an enthusiastic way, with so much confidence in me and in her idea, that I couldn't say no. When our first event almost fell through, she coached me through the setbacks and helped me resiliently pull it off. When others had a different vision and we struggled to find consensus, she 'got on the boat' with them to see things from their perspective and genuinely listened to their concerns and feedback. She had mastered the power of delegation and accepted people's shortcomings as natural and an opportunity for receiving encouragement. I also remember that she had intense drive but not in a hurried or rushed way.
These two wonderful women are just the first that come to mind for me. I would like to think of some more examples to add. Here are some commonalities I noticed. Both had:
- a genuine curiosity and interest in others - the ability 'to be influenced' by their needs and feeling
- a healthy sense of humor and perspective
- a broad world view - exposure to many cultures and backgrounds
- happy, upbeat, outgoing personality (extroverts do have an easier time with this...)
- past experience with deep personal challenges
- confidence but not arrogance about own ideas
Of all of the above characteristics, I think the first one mentioned is the most important. Genuine curiosity and interest in others (as opposed to focus on ones' self-interests) is something that cannot be faked. When someone feels that the person talking to them is truly interested in them, they will be much more likely to listen, even if they don't agree with what is being said. And that truly is positive influence.
I believe that genuine positive interest is what is behind 'likeableness'. When you genuinely like someone, and feel they truly like you in return, you are more motivated to work through challenging situations and relationships, even when decisions might not be a consensus. That underlying interest is the strong flame that keeps the candle lit when adverse circumstances would snuff it out.
Coming next...the Influencing skills of the Founding Fathers
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)